Day after day

While for most our tragedy is in the rear view mirror - for us the pain remains unbearable at times.

Last week Karre’ and I took an end of summer vacation to the Outer Banks.  We rented a nice little house in Kill Devil Hills.  It was clean and comfortable – somewhere you would feel safe taking your family.  It rained every day that we were there but we were lucky enough to manage a trip to the water before the daily pour.  Each day we would see families on the beach.  Families of all ages, races, nationalities, personalities, etc.  We saw wee little ones with their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends.  We talked about how great that must be.  To have your whole family  together – enjoying the vacation.  We had each other and we spent the evenings eating good food, enjoying a few beers, watching Dexter and struggling with a puzzle.  It was not how we envisioned spending our August vacation week – but it was reality.

This first week back at work I have been exhausted.  I wondered whether or not it was my medication, getting caught up from a week away, or the annoying cats.  Then I wondered if it was sadness.  I am not really sure what it is – but I do know that today everything came to a head.  My Command had a picnic and most everyone had family there – husbands, wives, kids and on and on.  There were two 2 month old babies, a group of triplets, one set of twins and lots of little ones running around.  I do not know anyone very well at this command because I have been coming and going throughout the pregnancy and convalescent leave.  I sat at a picnic bench watching the kids play and the parents introducing their little ones to each other with pride.  I was under the impression that by this time I would have three little ones tagging along with me to Command functions.  I wanted to show off my beautiful wife and children.  Instead I sat in silence and watched until sadness took over me and I was forced to rush to my car before I exploded with emotion.  I certainly don’t fault people for beaming with joy over their families – and I certainly wasn’t going to rain on everyone else’s parade with my sob story – but I was not going to sit there and pretend to be happy.  I wanted to have a shirt on that said “sorry if I’m not overjoyed to meet your kids, mine died”. 

Instead I left.  I went back to my minivan – which was supposed to carry my family – and I drove away in tears.  I parked in a nearby lot and cried – for real cried for the first time in a long time.  I think that the picnic alone would have been ok, but with the accumulation of the last two weeks of emotion it ended up being the final straw. 

It has been over three months since Isaac, Maggie and Elijah left.  Sometimes I swear this is all still just a dream and that everything will be like it should be.  Then reality hits and I know that I am going to be living in this world of loss for the rest of my life.  Some will say that last statement sounds dramatic and that I should just move onward and upward – but it just isn’t that easy.  It just isn’t possible.  I am not asking for anybody’s sympathy or for anyone to follow me down my personal rabbit hole - just know that sometimes that is where I reside.  I try and take life day to day.  Karre’ and I get out into public – probably more so than we are really ready for, but we go and we are brave.  We enjoy the company of friends and at the same time we are content being together – alone – talking about what should have been.