Someday

Someday I will be ok.  I have no idea when someday will get here - I think that it will be an eternity.  On August 6th it will be 3 months since I lost my babies.  Isaac, Maggie and Elijah came and went in the blink of an eye but they will be with me FOREVER.  They loved peanut butter ice cream and tilapia.  They loved it when Momma Karre' talked to them at night and listened to them through her stethascope.  Elijah was a momma's boy.  He sat the highest and he was always at the edge of my belly to be touched.  Maggie was fiesty and she popped out at the least opportune moments - but I miss her popping out moments now.  Isaac was strong and quiet.  He rarely showed himself.

I miss them SOOOOO much.  I can not describe how attached to their needs and likes you beome while they grow inside of you.  Karre' knew the curvature of their backs as she held them in her hands from the way they had pressed against my belly. 

There are many days I think about how unfair this whole situation has been.  I have wanted a baby for so long.  I was elated to have 3 growing inside of me.  Karre' and I read books for months after finding out that we were having 3 babies - but when I was doing so well we let the basics slide.   We let all the simple things we had read be forgotten. 

I don't do well seeing babies.  I go through phases where even thinking about chubby baby legs will break me down and drive me to tears.  I miss my babies, who they could have been and who they should have been.  Was I selfish to have 3 embryos transfered back - I don't know.  I could not bear the thought of "throwing" any of them away.  Issac and Maggie were donor embryos.  Elijah was my one DNA baby, and he had my chin.  I loved all three of them the same.  I grew all three in my womb and I knew all three of their personalities.  I love them SOOOO much and i miss them like crazy.  Not a day goes by that I don't wonder if i belong in a straight jacket because I feel so crazy over their loss. 

I believe in God.  I believe that my babies are with God.  I am mad - at God - I am mad that he has my babies and I don't.  I love you guys more than you  can imagine.  I would give my life today to bring you back - to have the life you deserved.  I sit here with tears in my eyes knowing that i will never love 3 beings as much as I love you and I ask that you forgive momma.  I would do anything to have you here on earth and in the arms of those who love you!